I’m at work and my hands are cold.  I can barely move my fingers.  This is a problem because my job requires that I decompose in front of a computer for ten hours per day.  It’s winter, but the concept of turning the fucking heat up is apparently too much for the thermostat-nazis in this building to wrap their minds around.  I’m one frost-bitten pubic hair away from starting a little campfire under my desk so that I can save enough fingers to flip Michigan off as I’m driving away from it on my move to L.A. 

I switched from Blogger to Wordpress for my blog.  Since my HTML and CSS skills are weak, I have only been able to customize a little.  It’s pretty clean, but boring…I know.  I dig it, though. 

You ever step on a cockroach and notice the disproportionate amount of white goo that is left in the wake of the act?  That’s what McDonalds Premium Roast Coffee is made of.  I’m sure of it. 

Speaking of McDonalds, I’d like to take a moment to describe my favorite employee at the one nearest to my office.  She’s overweight, but not everywhere.  Just, in certain spots… She has very hangy boobs, if that makes any sense.  She wears her pants up quite high and the boobs hang over the zipper of her pants.  She has bug eyes, bigtime.  Her eyeballs appear as if they could just fall out of the sockets.  She keeps them wide-open, too.  I’m confident that she doesn’t blink more than four or five times a day.  One of her bug-eyes doesn’t move.  It’s always aimed up and to the right.  The other one moves freely.  Her face is long and thick.  She has two chins that are complimented by tufts dark, curly hair.  One of these tufts is located on her cheek, quite near to the eye that doesn’t move.  Her teeth are large and crooked.  Her voice is nasal and she enunciates very similarly to Scooby Doo.  She touches my food, sometimes.  It worries me. 

A few days ago, my friend Will and I saw Good Night, and Good Luck.  It was very good.  When we arrived at the ticket-counter, we were greeted by a girl of about 18 years in age [I’m guessing].  When we named the movie that we were there to purchase tickets for, she responded with, “Oh…are you sure?  It’s a black and white movie.”  We remained silent for a few seconds, staring at her.  “You know, all movies use to be black and white,” Will said with a chuckle.  She attempted to cover her tracks by saying that she was just letting us know because many people complained about it being black and white.  I felt like turning the knife, in regards to her embarrassment.  I was hoping to perhaps inspire her…  I mentioned to Will [though, loud enough for her to hear] that “I’d like to meet the shallow individual that would dislike a movie merely because it was in black and white…”  Gah…  I feel like such a snob. 

Oh, speaking of movies…  I saw the new Harry Potter movie a couple of days ago.  During one scene, [I don’t recall which] someone in the audience loudly remarked, “Hell yeah, dawg.  That’s what I’m talking ’bout…”  I peered in the direction of the statement to see that it was a wangster, complete with a FUBU coat and an unbent, sideways-kicked hat.  He was white and had a molester-mustache that I’m certain has taken years to grow.  For the rest of the movie, I was distracted by my own confusion.  Was it a mistake that he was there?  Perhaps he meant to see the latest blaxsploitation film and just wasn’t paying attention when he entered the theater… 

This is fun.  Here’s what I came up with:

I visited my mother’s side of the family in Iowa.  It had been a couple years since I last saw my mom.  I’ve missed her very much.  We had great food, had a little party, raced in go-carts, and went fishing.  I caught the largest fish, ever.  It was five inches, easily.  It was fun.

When I returned from Iowa, I worked for a week, then visited Mea in Berkeley, CA.  What a cool area…  Very progressive.  Very liberal.  Good gawd, though… e x p e n s i v e.  The public bus, for instance, costs $1.75!  I had what may have been the best bratwurst with sauerkraut on the planet.  It was from a place called ‘Top Dog.’  Top, indeed.  It was the bee’s knees, I tell ya.  The best part of the trip, though, was Mea.  She’s such a cut-above the rest.  I’m so impressed by her character, intelligence, wit…  She’s easy on the eyes, too .  I can’t wait to see her again.

Oh, almost forgot.  My lease is up in May.  After May, I’m moving to L.A.  There’s an accredited school for massage therapy there and I’m so very done with Michigan winters.  I’m finally doing it.  The plan is to attend school there for a year, work for another [maybe two], then escape to London.  Catch me if you can.

1. My uncle once: sang a song that made me cry.

2. Never in my life: have I felt like I belonged.

3. When I was five: I smiled with teeth.

4. High School was/is: me vs. 1300 rich kids.

6. I once met: ABC [Another Bad Creation] when they tried to cut in line. I sent them to the end of the line with, “Don’t think so, losers.”

7. There’s this girl I know who is: the best friend I’ve ever had.

8. Once, at a bar: I made out with a drag queen.

9. By noon I’m usually: 1/3 through with work…and starving.

10. Last night I listened to: Magnetic Fields - How Fucking Romantic

12. Next time I go to church: it’ll be out of character.

15. When I turn my head left: the monitor can see my profile.

16. When I turn my head right: my heads are facing opposite directions.

18. How many days until my birthday?: You want me to count? February 3

19. If I was a character written by Shakespeare: I’d die often [in the Shakespearian sense of the word]

20. By this time next year: I’ll be in Tucson or L.A. learning my craft.

21. A better name for me would be: Prick. Maybe Dash of Brash.

22. I have a hard time understanding: languages I don’t speak. Like, that one that Christians speak.

23. When/If I ever go back to school I’ll: study, graduate, utilize the skills to secure my financial situation.

24. You know I like you if: I say so. I’m pretty blunt.

25. If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: my mother and father.

27. Take my advice: ignore advice.

28. My ideal breakfast is: fresh fruit, eggs, muffin, coffee.

30. If you visit my hometown: you’ll be in many states at once.

32. Why won’t anyone: open their fucking eyes and remove Bush from office?

33. If you spend the night at my house: you may be woken up by my night-terrors. It happens sometimes.

34. I’d stop my wedding if: I won’t marry until gay people can do it, too.

35. The world could do without: Fox News

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: it’s eyes.

37. My favorite blonde is: Samantha Morton

38. Paper clips are more useful than: Ashley Simpson

39. If I do anything well, it’s: deter people.

40. And by the way: Top of the morning to you. [it's from a song, dude]

I’d like to start on a positive note. Here are some things that I hate:

-People who tuck their pants in while wearing no belt.
-Cellphones or keys worn on one’s belt.
-Money that is obviously fake in films.
-Wangsters who post pics of themselves doing wangster hand-gestures.

I want a pre-fab. What about you?

Anyone notice how, when people in movies eat Chinese food, they seem to have like, 20 boxes of it lying around?

A couple of years ago, I made an observation regarding Keith Richards’ resemblance to a cult classic character. I feel like sharing, so here you go.

I think these are great.

You’ve seen those tacky, patriotic bumper-stickers that say, “These colors don’t run,” right? Well, I saw one yesterday that took the retard-factor to a whole new level. It read, “These stripes don’t run.” I shit you not. This got me thinking about those ribbons that I’m seeing everywhere. I found a site that allows you to make and order custom ribbons and pretty much lost my mind for half an hour with it. Here’s what I came up with: [if any of these offend you, go fuck yourself. Hard.]

Lynn joined the fun and made me choke on coffee. Here are hers:

If you’re looking for a hairless, hornless, big-dicked, albino bull, I know a guy…

Speaking of animals, I want a Spotted Hyena. Your dog ain’t shit.

For the record, Jeffery Wright rocks. Handsome, too.

This makes me laugh.

This confuses me.

I need to party with these guys.