Thirteen Steps

Mood: I need a drink
Music: Ani DiFranco, Velvet Underground, Elvis – On shuffle

I’ll begin with some background on my ex and I. We met a little after I got out of the army. I was in an odd stage of my life. Quite confused about who I was, what I wanted, etc. We were together for about two years.

The last year of our union was not so good. I had many ‘stupid boy’ type characteristics. I was uninterested in being in any relationship and felt trapped much of the time. I turned into quite the prick. I treated her poorly. We eventually broke up. A few sad attempts at hanging out were made, but only exposed to me her complete distrust and lack of interest in me as a friend. She put up a wall, so to speak, and it made me feel like shit. I was enemy number 1.

It’s been over two years since we broke up. It’s been over a year and a half since I have really even thought about her.

A few months ago, I had a dream about her. The dream did a number on me for about a day. No more than a day or two later, I received mail at my house addressed to her. That was a bit odd. I looked her up and found her work number. I gave her a call and told her about the mail. She told me to throw it away and seemed half-way friendly about the whole thing. An odd emotional state continued for a couple days after that.

Last night, I had another dream about her. Nothing special happened in the dream from what I can recall, but I woke up feeling very emotional. It stayed with me all day. I called her up with intentions of asking if she’s like to get coffee and talk. I wasn’t looking for anything beyond a friendly chat. The call was awkward and I became nervous and embarrassed. I didn’t ask about getting coffee. She seemed bothered that I had called. We hung up.

I emailed her after and apologized for the call. I admitted that I was interested in talking with her sometime. In her reply, she indicated that though there were no hard feelings, she was completely uninterested in ever speaking to or seeing me again. She even made it a point to end the email by telling me not to reply as she would not send one back.

I don’t know what to say. What began as a search for closure or rekindled friendship [I'm not sure anymore], has left me feeling empty.

Other than my girlfriend, I have two best friends; Lynn and Tom. They fulfill my emotional needs [as far as friends go] in different ways. Tom is at work and will be until around midnight. Lynn has fallen off the face of the earth in the last few days.

Friends from work are going to Club 505 around 7:00. Beer and whiskey will have to fill the void. Perhaps they can answer the lingering question of why my ex feels that I am not worthy of a conversation.